Giver of Good Gifts

About eight months ago, God asked me to do something. He asked me to look up and compile a list of all the times he'd talked about, "Ask and you will receive", in the Bible. And let me tell you, there were a lot. A lot.

This was something I struggled greatly with. The idea that I could just... ask... and apparently receive.

Receiving has always been a little bit hard for me.

And "a little bit hard" is a little bit of an understatement.

But I figured God was highlighting something in me and wanted me to be faithful so that I could overcome it. I compiled the list. I wrote them all out by hand. I highlighted key phrases (colour coded of course), and stuck them up on my wall. I was studious, I was faithful to what God had asked me to do.

"What a wonderful study, God. What a great thing that you've promised there people that if they ask anything in your name, they'll receive it. Thank you so much for showing this to me, God. You're so good at coming through for all these people and giving them good gifts."

I patted myself on the back for a job well done and went on with my life.

Went on with finding provision... by myself.

Went on with making opportunities... by myself.

Went on with trying to make things happen... myself.

(Please feel free to laugh and shake your head at me)

See, I've always been a bit independent. A bit, "if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself". A bit, "I guess it's up to me". I'm good a clearing at way, finding a solution, doing it myself. I've spent a lifetime developing this skill in myself. And while it can be a good thing sometimes, other times, it gets in the way of God's provision and blessing and desire to give us good gifts. Because that skill isn't just "a good leadership skill". For me, it meant not having to trust, because I was capable of doing it myself.

And about six months ago, God asked me to do something really scary. Scarier than studying people who received in the Bible. Scarier than making a list. Yes, something even scarier than colour coding. He asked me to ask him for things. And not just "God, I ask for general happiness and peace in the world and my life", but actually specific things. Measurable things. Definable things. But see, the thing with that, is it means it's firm.

And if it's specific and measurable and definable and firm, it means that I could be disappointed.

Let down.

Abandoned.

And that scared the heck out of me.

I didn't know if I trusted God to provide for me. That if I stuck out my neck, as it were, he wouldn't chop my head off. That if I asked him for something, he wouldn't throw it back in my face. That if I got my hopes up, he wouldn't just let me down. But he asked me once, and then twice, and then three times, until I decided that I would start with something really small and things I perceived as needs. I didn't dare ask for "wants".

In the past month or so, I entered a new season, and I felt to ask for something different. I felt like God was asking me not what I needed, but what I wanted. I timidly presented him about a month and a half ago with some of the things I wanted going into this new season, and then pushed it out of my mind. Asking for things I wanted seemed more like a chore to get out of the way, rather than an exciting opportunity.

Fast forward to today. In a prayer meeting, my pastor, seemingly out of nowhere, began to talk about an opportunity he wanted to give me. Something that had been on that list...

Something that I could barely ask God for; I didn't dare ask a person. I believe my prayer had been something like, "Well God, if it's your will, I would love it if maybe you would kinda put it on their hearts maybe? I-I would like that."

Then later, I sat in one of my pastor's office and she began to tell me how, when praying about who would fill one of the upcoming roles in a conference we were hosting, God told her that I was the one. To say I was shocked was an understatement. It had been one of the things I'd wanted, but what I had originally wanted looked a lot smaller and tamer.

"Did you ask God for this or something?" She joked.

Yes...

Yes, I had.

Something in my heart began to stir.

I excused myself and went to go talk to God.

And as I sat there, journal in hand, my eyes began to fill with tears as God brought to mind all of the things I'd asked for this season, and the way that He had met every single one. But it didn't end there. He went back to where I'd asked for needs over the past six months and showed me how he'd met those as well. Then back to two years ago where I'd made a seemingly trivial and ridiculous list of things I wanted, and how he showed me that he cared about that as well. Then back to my high school years, my heart crying for a sense of adventure, a life I loved, a relationship with God, a sense of identity and purpose. Then back before that, to my junior high years.

"I'm always listening," He whispered to me, as I collapsed into sobs.

"I care about what you want, I want to give you gifts, and I am able to."

"You're not alone, my daughter. You don't have to be independent. You never have to do this alone. I'm your provider."

And for the first time that I can remember, Matthew 7:11 sunk deep into my heart.

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

"I am a Good Father."

He is a good Father.